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Trauma that decided to speak

Updated: Mar 7

#lastword #healing #lettinggo #livinglife #relatingtoothers #staywoke

Those that are on the journey to "enlightenment" or are awakening to the present moment, there are truths that should be expressed.

For me there has been enough colorful lifestyle choices that led me down very unique side roads bringing back to the original path. At times when I talk out loud, very well aware that my subconscious is leading me to a path to getting myself home and reuniting my "family". That might sound a bit wild, but I have noticed quite often that no matter how much control I have with manifesting and manifesting, *poof* in comes a childhood wound, portraying itself in an event or partner choice.

You know the saying you end up marrying the person closest resemblance to your parent (mother or father) YUP.. there is a lot of truth in this bullshit.

Makes one not want to date....

The more and more I feel I have conscious control over my partner choosing, the more and more I decide that it is time to just be with GOD and see what happens.

Everything that you are experiencing is perfectly aligned for you and you alone to figure something deep about yourself, so you can provide acceptance, love and understanding to that part. Manifesting, is a bit a bout that, you get what you expect.

If you lived a childhood that was colorful (like myself, I am an adult child of an alcoholic) there was happy moments, peaceful moments, moments of chaos, moments of hurt and disappointment. Then you add your early childhood that you absorbed, how people acted, talked, whether it was about boundaries, money, schedule, caring of the children, love, marriage, housing situation and more.

Everything is shaped there for your future.. could make one upset, cause when you begin to see the patterns you want to blame especially your parents. But before you get on the phone and choose to chew them out for your upbringing and attraction asshats for potential husbands or wives, or you get mad because you are already married and notice the traits of one of your parents in your spouse, or your mid divorce and you just sacrificed yourself for the greater good of the Family, because of "toxic traits" they are possibly toxic because it is teaching you something you need to learn and you don't know how to work with it....

Maybe you didn't realize it until now, maybe you knew that you were becoming more and more like your parents. Sometimes we still need to pause, reflect, go within and ask ourselves hard questions.

Do I need to physically run away, or is there something I can safely communicate

Can I trust that my needs will be met and I will be heard

Is it worth practicing love or do I hide

Can I accept my past for what I had absorbed, and what I learned and know confidentiality that I learn and know better, can I trust that and will they work with me

See these hard questions came to me after learning a lot about myself.

I had to accept that I wasn't communicating my honest self to my mother when I would sneak out and hang out with friends (I was 18) I needed to learn how that it was okay to be independent but within reason

I had to accept I felt that I could do everything on my own and could be trusted with large sums of money only to blow it all on plane tickets to Florida, just to chew out a guy that I had lost a child with and didn't know how to accept my circumstances, or ask for help and guidance.(I was 20) I needed to forgive my parents for not showing me it was safe to communicate when I needed help. I also had to teach myself a healthier relationship with money, which I have and I am grateful.

I had to realize that NOT EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE!!! which I did traveling along the spiritual path of finding my Twin Flame and avoided becoming more true to myself. I would of saved a lot of money this way, we are talking over $10k.. and avoided 6 months of dealing with an alcoholic "partner" that though I valued the wisdom of watching in observation how the illness takes a hold on a person, the cycles of pain, the inner workings of how to get the next drink. Though I can't take away the watching him coming over with a bloody face because he fell, or the fear I felt when he passed out and felt obligated to watch him to ensure he wouldn't asphyxiate. Though my loyalty lead me to times of carrying him out of the car, holding him up to safely get home, playing crowd control, then eventually getting punched in the leg, almost off the highway and head butted in the face. (I was 35, and somehow learned how to understand my father better)

I know, that is much, I stayed to keep me safe, cause if I left while he was in his demons art would have been worse.. but it happened..

or falling into relationships with men that weren't ready after getting me and my daughter involved, men that didn't listen when I said stop, or the men that ghosted me.. Though I can be a fully present and awakened women and I made very unique choices before I rooted more in myself and loved myself fully. Those situations I went through.. still caused me hurt and heartache, still gives me the motivation to energetically give them a large F*You! At the end of the day, I choose not to withhold or cowardly hide from my feelings, I still have feelings and I choose to honor my feelings, loud and proud.

I could totally pull the whoah is me single mother card.. But I can also be proud of the efforts I had been making to growing and creating a life worthy of my love. Finding the strength to continue to search for a partner to build a life with. So that make everything, even though horrible that it happened, worth going through in someway.

I learned a lot of valuable lessons from my experiences...and I deserve the very best and as does everyone else.

Leaning in to the spiritual journey....

Let's talk about the "soul mate" and "twin flame" trap... the soul mate is a movie created, idealist, fantasy. A twin flame is projected to be your ultimate lover, one that will accept you and all your faults and there is only one that you will have in a life time. You will go through a journey of awakening, separation, dark knight of the soul (ohhhhh), stages of awakening (ahhh) aligning yourself to you, then harmonious union.. since your twin flame is your energetic match... Now people really believe this.. like dedicate their life to this. Spend thousands of dollars, on this idea alone to achieve relationship harmony. Thinking all the products will instantly fix and align you to this magical, one and a life time experience. Thinking all the meditation healings to help bring you into alignment.. or the other outsiders that "know what you are going through spiritually" because some asshat broke up with you and you addictively are hanging on to them thinking they are the one, that you are special and whatever that inner toddler is telling you.. Because how could they leave me... what really your growing inner self is saying why did "mom" or "dad" leave me..

Overall the serious part of growing along being present, is learning to accept how you were raised, honor the parts that are healing, learn to listen attentively, create healthy boundaries, talk non-violently to each other, learn about yourself and what you need so that you can clearly tell the people around you and take moments of pause before responding, listen to your body and catch yourself before you erupt, take a step back, breath deep and then respond.

Learning to work consciously with all of you and to bring that all to someone, whether that is a co-worker, sibling, parent or partner.

Then you hope for the best and just see what happens..

I will tell you with billions of people in the world, you will find the person exactly that fits your journey, accepts you and grows to love you..

Stop putting place holders and highlighting the parts and moving past people because there was a slight miscommunication, hopefully you will have a conscious partner, one that talks openly and listens attentively.

But I will tell you one thing, there is no 1 person out there that will guide you to that person. Stop.. just stop... no tarot, no guru, no person, not one of them .. maybe you will benefit from listening and it gets you to go within to heal, or a spark of inspiration and hope.. but don't get carried away, don't take it to heart..

Just learn about yourself, consciously date and do it safely.. align with a person (whether they remind you of your parent or not) and JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS..

You owe yourself that.

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